Valentine hearts with various sentiments

This Time Tomorrow

So there my friend, you’re in the deep end.
Just hanging on to hope by a loose thread.
Well it’s never good, to try and play pretend.
But maybe what’s broken, can start to shine.
And you’ll find, this time tomorrow.
We’ll decide where it will all go, in this life.
Those younger years, never saw yourself standing here.
They disappeared, all the moments you held so dear.
Start keeping them close, waves come and go.

I started something in January called the 365 Days of Happiness. I’m disappointed in myself because I could not find one reason a day past February to smile except for maybe one or two in April. I’m not fond of this and I need to smile more and be more open to change and things around me. It’s dramatically affecting my life and sometimes, I don’t even want to talk to a single soul or leave my house but I have to most days for work. I don’t get people at all. Anytime I ask for help, I get it but only from family, and for that I’m grateful as anything and I will always put family first. But then my “friends” come into play, there’s nothing I can do about it. I normally don’t tend to ask people for help because they’ll always say “I wish I could” and then go around a buy something for themselves that they don’t need or want. If I had a dollar for every time someone’s said that to me, I wouldn’t need to ask for any help at all and would be rolling in the money.

“A year from now, we’ll all be gone. Nothing is as it has been, and I miss your face like hell. I guess it’s just as well, but I miss your face like hell. Been talking about the way things change, and my family lives in a different state. If you don’t know what to make of this, then we will not relate. Rivers and Roads… rivers till I reach you.”

Don’t ever think that for one second any of you mean nothing to me. You all mean the world to me, the ones that have stayed by my side, as I went through hell and back the past 2 years trying to dig myself out of money issues, relationship crap, and friendship issues. Those of you that are still around me today since day one that I moved to PA, I love you all dearly and wish for every second that I could do something to pay back friendship somehow. Please don’t ever leave me. You’re a friend for a reason and I don’t have many of them. Silence isn’t anything when you know someone will always be there for you. I need you all now more than ever. Hope is comfort, if not relief. Those of you who pushed me out of sight and out of mind when I left for PA (most of you people in NJ…) I was never really a friend since it’s been 4 years and I probably never will come back, so it’s best to say goodbye and forget all about most of you from High School and other outside activities. Those who stayed with me from NJ to PA are few and far between these days.

So to base this off my last post, it’s time i officially cut all those people out who deserted me when I moved here to PA out of my life because you did nothing for me. I don’t even tell most people I come to NJ because no one wants to hang out or is too busy. I didn’t move halfway around the country, I moved 2.5 hours away if that and I know most of you drive like assholes and can go all over for other things. Your babies are older and road trips are fun. Not my problem, I’m better without you all anyway. This is my goodbye to all of you. 

The odds of being alone. 




Take It All Away

This One’s For The Lonely.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some people that I don’t need in my life anymore. And sadly, you know who you are.

Those who can’t call yourself my friend. Those who can’t talk to me like a human being most days. Those of you who ignore all my messages and never answer on a daily basis. Those of you whom I want to talk to but can’t talk to me are people I don’t need. I’ve tried too hard and for far too long with people I thought have either changed or thought they were going to be a better person. It turns out, people hardly, if ever, change. You could spend your whole life trying to wait for someone to change or waiting for someone in general, only to find out they’ve lied or are still exactly the same when you left them. And that’s the worst. A person is a person, no matter what. You have to take them as they are, and love them how they are, or nothing will ever work, no, not even a friendship. And that’s indefinitely the truth. 

It’s all chaos and commotion and once people learn to give up on some things, and move on, nothing will ever change. No matter how much something or someone may mean to you, sometimes, it’s not worth the fight in the end because you’re the one who’s getting hurt after all. You invest so much time into someone, whether it be a friend or significant other, only to have it blow up in your face at some point; it’s hard to overcome alot of things and go back to how things were. The past is in the past, and only some people can learn to forget. Others, not so much. They will remember everything and throw it in your face when they are the most upset or angry with you.

You need to do you, and be you no matter what. Stop chasing people who don’t deserve you or clearly don’t want you. It’s only going to make yourself more depressed and sad or even start to think things you don’t want to think. Bottom line is, people will never change, no matter how hard you try to change them for the better, they will not. They are their own person, as should you be as well. If paths don’t cross for some reason… then they don’t cross, plain and simple. Don’t force anything that you might regret the next day, month year or few years.

I don’t feel like it anymore. I don’t feel like chasing people. I don’t feel like throwing myself out there for anyone who won’t do the same for me whenever I need something or could quite possibly need help. I have always been there for others, and mainly there for those who were never there for me, and it ends today. 

When the time comes for me to not care anymore, it will be known. Those will be blocked and not answered to and wiped from my life. I give way too many people second and sometimes third time chances at being my friend and it always comes back to bite me in the butt and I’m not too fond of it at all. Where does that leave me? In the gutter feeling rotten like I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m the only one to blame for it ever. I’m tired of this feeling. Ever since I moved out of my one apartment and apart from one of the people I enjoyed being around, I’ve been real crappy.

My question would be to those I’m dropping out of my life: Do you even think of me at all? When you’re alone in your room with no one to talk to and no one to care, will you think of me and try to text or call me? What would you do if you did something that reminded you of me? Would you reach out to me? Would you even care? I can bet the answer would be probably no because most people are afraid to admit they miss someone. That’s a harsh reality of life. People are afraid to admit when they miss or want to talk to someone and miss plenty opportunities because of it. I’m tired of losing, and I’m tired of wasting my time. 

I’m perfectly fine doing my own thing and being my own person. I’ll eventually come across a few people in my life that will be there forever. I have a couple of those with me right now, but I’m still waiting for a few more. The odds of being alone for me are more likely than me opening up to someone else and trying to trust them. I’ve said so many goodbyes in my life recently, mostly friends, because they can’t show that they are friends and that’s one of the worst feelings in the world. The quiet feels so loud sometimes, but I’m getting used to it. Staying in my room, not doing anything or sleeping to shut the world out and sometimes, I think some people need to do that to get who they really are back. Solitude can be a great thing in some cases, and I think that’s what I need to start doing. Start over, and start new.