I Don’t Even Know If I’m Alive

Here I am on the phone again and awkward silence is on the other end.
I used to know the sound of a smile in your voice,
But right now all I feel is the pain of the fighting starting up again.
Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers.
But I don’t want that, no not for you. If you just stay with me we could make it through.
So here we are again, the same old argument. Now I’m wondering if things will ever change.
When will you laugh again, laugh like you did back when we’d make noise ’til 3 am and the neighbors would complain.
All the things we talk about, you know they stay on my mind.
All the things we laugh about, they’ll bring us through it every time.

This town is so boring, and the people are so shallow. Nothing is changing and it’s just making me feel shittier and shittier than I’ve probably felt in a long time. I really want to go back to the days of first moving here and having that small apartment on Market Street and not having anything. Life seemed simpler back then and I don’t know why since nothing’s changed. I’m still the same person, just evolved… like a Pokemon. I know alot more than I did back then and I know what to expect from certain people and what not to get my hopes up for anymore. But at the same time… nothing’s changed so I don’t know where I went wrong to begin with.

Was it meeting certain people and taking risks, or was it not knowing what was in front of me the whole time and failed to act on that? Is it all my fault? I wish I knew the answers to these things because it’s bothering me that I don’t actually know when and why nothing’s changed for me. It’s like an endless cycle. One minute I’m happy and fine and the next I’m not. I think I have a bit of bi-polar in me and that’s scary because I know what that’s like. I don’t like it.

I need to do something to make myself happy, and I’ve been saying it for years now and nothing has helped yet. I need to either move some new place, start a new career, go back to school or just up and leave all-together and skip countries where no one knows where I’ve gone except maybe one or two people. I’m sure many wouldn’t miss me, but that’s only a test. If I disappear completely, I’m wondering who will come after me, if anyone at all. (Besides family, because I know they’ll hunt me down regardless.) I just want to find something that makes me happy like it did before, back 4 years ago when things were simple and I had nothing sharing a bed with a guy I once dated for a month until I eventually got a bed and couch and few other things thanks to his family. I miss that, and I miss that feeling of closeness with someone.

“Do you care if I don’t know what to say? When you sleep tonight, will you think of me? Will i shake this off, pretend it’s all okay? Those notes you wrote me, I’ve kept them all.”

This One Is A Lie

I think meeting that person that tore my life apart was just a lesson and I should completely drop all aspect of that person and friends out of my life for good. No matter how close I am to those friends, if people can do it to me, I can do it right back. I’m not that mean like other people and yes it will hurt me, but I don’t care. I need to do something and work on the present, not be reminded of the past or wait for the future. I need to fix me, right here and right now. Not 5 months from now, not 5 years from now… now. I want things back to how they were. I wish they could invent a time machine so I can go back in time a couple years and un-meet you. Things would have been easier that way an I wouldn’t be in this position of feeling so shitty all the time for no reason wondering how the other person feels about me now after all the things that have happened in the span of 2 years. I’m slipping away, and I’m never coming back. There’s a reason certain people are not in my life anymore, and I’m semi sort of glad for it in some way whether I show it or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do have a few friends out there I can actually call real friends. Some for only a year, some for more than 10 years. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are and you know how much you do mean to me if we get in fights and hate each other but then are fine the next day and if we never fight at all, that’s even better. These people know who they are and if you don’t well then I’m sorry, maybe you’re not that good of a friend to me and we don’t talk that often or you don’t try like the others do. Those people that reach out to me daily along with those who have been in my life for over 5-10 years and don’t need to reach out daily… thank you. I clear my inbox of all texts out nightly before I go to bed. Those who want to talk to me, they will message me. This shows who’s really a friend. I’ve given up messaging people first because I’ll usually get ignored or given one word answers. I’m tired of it. Start a conversation with me. With that being said:

“Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up. The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you’ll finally get it right.”




Valentine hearts with various sentiments

This Time Tomorrow

So there my friend, you’re in the deep end.
Just hanging on to hope by a loose thread.
Well it’s never good, to try and play pretend.
But maybe what’s broken, can start to shine.
And you’ll find, this time tomorrow.
We’ll decide where it will all go, in this life.
Those younger years, never saw yourself standing here.
They disappeared, all the moments you held so dear.
Start keeping them close, waves come and go.

I started something in January called the 365 Days of Happiness. I’m disappointed in myself because I could not find one reason a day past February to smile except for maybe one or two in April. I’m not fond of this and I need to smile more and be more open to change and things around me. It’s dramatically affecting my life and sometimes, I don’t even want to talk to a single soul or leave my house but I have to most days for work. I don’t get people at all. Anytime I ask for help, I get it but only from family, and for that I’m grateful as anything and I will always put family first. But then my “friends” come into play, there’s nothing I can do about it. I normally don’t tend to ask people for help because they’ll always say “I wish I could” and then go around a buy something for themselves that they don’t need or want. If I had a dollar for every time someone’s said that to me, I wouldn’t need to ask for any help at all and would be rolling in the money.

“A year from now, we’ll all be gone. Nothing is as it has been, and I miss your face like hell. I guess it’s just as well, but I miss your face like hell. Been talking about the way things change, and my family lives in a different state. If you don’t know what to make of this, then we will not relate. Rivers and Roads… rivers till I reach you.”

Don’t ever think that for one second any of you mean nothing to me. You all mean the world to me, the ones that have stayed by my side, as I went through hell and back the past 2 years trying to dig myself out of money issues, relationship crap, and friendship issues. Those of you that are still around me today since day one that I moved to PA, I love you all dearly and wish for every second that I could do something to pay back friendship somehow. Please don’t ever leave me. You’re a friend for a reason and I don’t have many of them. Silence isn’t anything when you know someone will always be there for you. I need you all now more than ever. Hope is comfort, if not relief. Those of you who pushed me out of sight and out of mind when I left for PA (most of you people in NJ…) I was never really a friend since it’s been 4 years and I probably never will come back, so it’s best to say goodbye and forget all about most of you from High School and other outside activities. Those who stayed with me from NJ to PA are few and far between these days.

So to base this off my last post, it’s time i officially cut all those people out who deserted me when I moved here to PA out of my life because you did nothing for me. I don’t even tell most people I come to NJ because no one wants to hang out or is too busy. I didn’t move halfway around the country, I moved 2.5 hours away if that and I know most of you drive like assholes and can go all over for other things. Your babies are older and road trips are fun. Not my problem, I’m better without you all anyway. This is my goodbye to all of you. 

The odds of being alone. 




Take It All Away

This One’s For The Lonely.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some people that I don’t need in my life anymore. And sadly, you know who you are.

Those who can’t call yourself my friend. Those who can’t talk to me like a human being most days. Those of you who ignore all my messages and never answer on a daily basis. Those of you whom I want to talk to but can’t talk to me are people I don’t need. I’ve tried too hard and for far too long with people I thought have either changed or thought they were going to be a better person. It turns out, people hardly, if ever, change. You could spend your whole life trying to wait for someone to change or waiting for someone in general, only to find out they’ve lied or are still exactly the same when you left them. And that’s the worst. A person is a person, no matter what. You have to take them as they are, and love them how they are, or nothing will ever work, no, not even a friendship. And that’s indefinitely the truth. 

It’s all chaos and commotion and once people learn to give up on some things, and move on, nothing will ever change. No matter how much something or someone may mean to you, sometimes, it’s not worth the fight in the end because you’re the one who’s getting hurt after all. You invest so much time into someone, whether it be a friend or significant other, only to have it blow up in your face at some point; it’s hard to overcome alot of things and go back to how things were. The past is in the past, and only some people can learn to forget. Others, not so much. They will remember everything and throw it in your face when they are the most upset or angry with you.

You need to do you, and be you no matter what. Stop chasing people who don’t deserve you or clearly don’t want you. It’s only going to make yourself more depressed and sad or even start to think things you don’t want to think. Bottom line is, people will never change, no matter how hard you try to change them for the better, they will not. They are their own person, as should you be as well. If paths don’t cross for some reason… then they don’t cross, plain and simple. Don’t force anything that you might regret the next day, month year or few years.

I don’t feel like it anymore. I don’t feel like chasing people. I don’t feel like throwing myself out there for anyone who won’t do the same for me whenever I need something or could quite possibly need help. I have always been there for others, and mainly there for those who were never there for me, and it ends today. 

When the time comes for me to not care anymore, it will be known. Those will be blocked and not answered to and wiped from my life. I give way too many people second and sometimes third time chances at being my friend and it always comes back to bite me in the butt and I’m not too fond of it at all. Where does that leave me? In the gutter feeling rotten like I’ve made a huge mistake and I’m the only one to blame for it ever. I’m tired of this feeling. Ever since I moved out of my one apartment and apart from one of the people I enjoyed being around, I’ve been real crappy.

My question would be to those I’m dropping out of my life: Do you even think of me at all? When you’re alone in your room with no one to talk to and no one to care, will you think of me and try to text or call me? What would you do if you did something that reminded you of me? Would you reach out to me? Would you even care? I can bet the answer would be probably no because most people are afraid to admit they miss someone. That’s a harsh reality of life. People are afraid to admit when they miss or want to talk to someone and miss plenty opportunities because of it. I’m tired of losing, and I’m tired of wasting my time. 

I’m perfectly fine doing my own thing and being my own person. I’ll eventually come across a few people in my life that will be there forever. I have a couple of those with me right now, but I’m still waiting for a few more. The odds of being alone for me are more likely than me opening up to someone else and trying to trust them. I’ve said so many goodbyes in my life recently, mostly friends, because they can’t show that they are friends and that’s one of the worst feelings in the world. The quiet feels so loud sometimes, but I’m getting used to it. Staying in my room, not doing anything or sleeping to shut the world out and sometimes, I think some people need to do that to get who they really are back. Solitude can be a great thing in some cases, and I think that’s what I need to start doing. Start over, and start new.