Life

My Heart Must Know Where It Belongs…

You know, I’ve been thinking.

And by thinking I mean, really thinking. Yes, I know, a hazard to my health really, but it needs to be done sometime.

There is this reoccurring dream that I’ve been having lately, and I don’t know what it means. It’s a scene like that of a fairytale, most closely described to one by Disney. And it’s myself and a man, only the man has no face. The faceless man, however, has a body like that of someone I know very well. Down to the tee. Every curve, every outline, every piece of hair, and every scar. We are holding hands and my head is resting on his shoulder. As I slightly push back his hair, that is when I noticed he doesn’t have a face. We’re sitting on the edge of a mountain, watching the sunset together. Birds, unicorns and pink elephants replace bugs and creepy crawlies. The sunset is blue, purple and red; something you will only find in a dream. Our feet dangling over the edge together were starting to entwine together, like ribbons of a bonnet under your chin.

A pink unicorn stops next to me and nudges my shoulder. I turn and he’s laying down for me to get on him. I turn to look at the faceless man and say to him, “I think he wants us to go with him somewhere.” The faceless man nods and picks me up and places me on the unicorn, which in my mind I have named Sugarpuff. I notice he doesn’t get on right away behind me. Faceless man kind of hesitates, but then get on, holding my waist close to him, so I don’t fall off. Sugarpuff stands and takes a running start towards the edge of the cliff and jumps. It takes every ounce of me not to scream.

Next thing I know, we are gliding into the sunset, getting closer and closer to the sun. Then suddenly, Sugarpuff’s wings start to fade away, and faceless man and I start falling. Deeper and deeper down to the ground. Only, there is no ground. There is nothing under us but sky and I didn’t realize this until that moment. I began to panic right then and there. I grabbed onto faceless man. He held me tight. And the the first time, he spoke to me.

“My darling, if this is the end, surely know we will be together in heaven. Whatever happens to us, know this: I love you. I always have and I always will, no matter who or what may come between us.” He takes my face in his hands, and ever so lightly kisses my lips. I feel his lips on mine, and I know who’s they are. But they are nowhere to be found, visually. “Between you and me, you were always the one.”

And then suddenly, we hit something. Hard. We had landed in a field of daisies on another planet. Nothing above us but space and the entire Milky Way. There was no visual of our green and blue planet to be found anywhere. “Is this heaven?” I asked him. “No, darling. This is our new home.” He walked over to the edge and sat down. There were no other people, or beings on the planet. Isolation. Faceless man, who I now believe I know who it is, gets up and walks over to where I am still sitting. “Welcome, my dear, to my mind. You’re inside my mind, and that is why I have no face. You will not see my face, nor will you be able to touch me from here on out. This is a test. Can you live with the fact that I am a human being, only a human being, and that you are stuck here with this faceless body you can not touch? You have but one thing of mine; my heart.” He opens his shirt and takes out a piece of paper with a heart drawn on it. “This. This is all you will receive of me. Can you find a way to love me how I am? Can you find a way to live happily ever after with me, with the person I am today?”

No words come out of my mouth. I stand there looking at him. Am I really in his mind? Is this for real? This can’t be a dream. Koral, wake up. I run to the edge of the cliff where he was before. Nothing. Emptiness. He had created that illusion of time and space all for me. I turn back around and he isn’t there. That edge of the cliff looks mighty fine in my mind. “Don’t think about jumping, you’ll just land right where you started the jump. There’s no use, Koral.”

I’m stuck in his mind. Forever. Left to wander and deal with the thoughts in his head. Can I do that? Can I live with only a paper heart to hold on to? I stand on the edge of the cliff once again. Nothing stares back at me….

And that’s where it ends. No ending in sight, I can’t get past that part. And I don’t know why. Go ahead, say I’m fucked up or something. But this has been going on for the past two weeks. The same dream. The same “ending” if you will. The same everything. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what it means.

I don’t know anything.

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