Realization, Friendship and Anything In Between

You always told me to “blog about my feelings instead of bitching” well, here you go. 

So going back through whatever happened the last night or two in my head… I don’t know what to think anymore. And if you want listen tome otherwise, maybe you’ll listen here and actually give me an answer. Everyone always winds up leaving me in my life. All my guy friends, all my girl friends… except for maybe three; You, Sam and Vanessa. I guess I never really knew how to be your friend after dating you because there was always room for either error or change, but even maybe hope. I hung on to the fact that we might eventually work out one day… I guess I was wrong. I guess I was too hung up on the fact that I had such strong feelings for you, that maybe one day you’ll return them to me again like it was in the beginning. Again… I guess I was wrong. Last night, alot of things were said to me that hurt my feelings, and of course that’s what’s going to stick out in my mind and be on the top of my head, because I’ve never been called “psychotic” or a “cunt” or even maybe a “bitch” by anyone else, or maybe it’s just because no one else ever had the balls to say it to my face… who knows really anymore.. But more importantly; I was told I was being a bad friend, and that I didn’t know HOW to really be a friend to you. And for that; I’m sorry. You said that I deserve to have that one friend by my side… and I thought  you were going to be and still be that friend to me… that I’m so used to everyone walking away from me that I don’t know what to do when someone actually stays… well you’re right. You finally did it. You decided to actually break me down, in half, and tell me what was wrong with me. I guess I should be thanking you in a way. Because I now know what I have to do to change, or to be “Koral” again as you say. I guess my downfall would be that I am way too nice to everyone and I always get taken advantage of, not just with you, but with everyone. I let them walk all over me; and then when I need help… I don’t get anything in return. I am a doormat for dirty feet who’s there to help but never be helped. While it took me just about an hour to write this because my hand hurts to move much; I’m realizing that maybe I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but that maybe people change and things happen and some people just don’t click well anymore together… I don’t want to be those people anymore. I want to be friends, and I want to be happy. I’m sitting here at work basically bawling my eyes out having everyone wonder what the fuck is wrong with me… That’s not good for work, and it’s not good for me. I haven;t been right in the head since last night. I didn’t expect you to be all cheery and happy 8 hours later; but you didn’t have to go around acting like absolutely nothing happened last night. I didn’t ignore everything you said to me last night, it actually did sink in to me that wow, I really am a shitty friend to you and possibly to some other people.. but then when I ask for what it is I can do… you just yell at me. There has to be something in your head that I can do otherwise you wouldn’t have yelled. If you’re sick of me… then just say it. I won’t be any more hurt than I already am. I know I’m a bad friend to you. I know I’m a bad friend to possibly some others… I’m not used to having “friends” because no one ever stays.

I guess all that’s left is to just… change. Be a good friend, stay out of your life like you want me to, be a normal friend, and not a best friend like you’ve been to me. I’m not a part of your life, atleast that’s what you keep telling me over and over, I’m just a friend. Just. A. Friend. And you know what; I guess I’m okay with that. I need to learn how to be a friend again, and learn how to accept friends and not be such a “bitch.” I guess I just don’t, in the end, want to lose you. You’re one of the only people I have whether you believe that or not… and I can’t lose another person in my life like my dad and rest of family. 

Take this however you want to take it… just know I’m sorry and you don’t deserve how shitty I’ve been.

 

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