I Don’t Even Know If I’m Alive

Here I am on the phone again and awkward silence is on the other end.
I used to know the sound of a smile in your voice,
But right now all I feel is the pain of the fighting starting up again.
Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers.
But I don’t want that, no not for you. If you just stay with me we could make it through.
So here we are again, the same old argument. Now I’m wondering if things will ever change.
When will you laugh again, laugh like you did back when we’d make noise ’til 3 am and the neighbors would complain.
All the things we talk about, you know they stay on my mind.
All the things we laugh about, they’ll bring us through it every time.

This town is so boring, and the people are so shallow. Nothing is changing and it’s just making me feel shittier and shittier than I’ve probably felt in a long time. I really want to go back to the days of first moving here and having that small apartment on Market Street and not having anything. Life seemed simpler back then and I don’t know why since nothing’s changed. I’m still the same person, just evolved… like a Pokemon. I know alot more than I did back then and I know what to expect from certain people and what not to get my hopes up for anymore. But at the same time… nothing’s changed so I don’t know where I went wrong to begin with.

Was it meeting certain people and taking risks, or was it not knowing what was in front of me the whole time and failed to act on that? Is it all my fault? I wish I knew the answers to these things because it’s bothering me that I don’t actually know when and why nothing’s changed for me. It’s like an endless cycle. One minute I’m happy and fine and the next I’m not. I think I have a bit of bi-polar in me and that’s scary because I know what that’s like. I don’t like it.

I need to do something to make myself happy, and I’ve been saying it for years now and nothing has helped yet. I need to either move some new place, start a new career, go back to school or just up and leave all-together and skip countries where no one knows where I’ve gone except maybe one or two people. I’m sure many wouldn’t miss me, but that’s only a test. If I disappear completely, I’m wondering who will come after me, if anyone at all. (Besides family, because I know they’ll hunt me down regardless.) I just want to find something that makes me happy like it did before, back 4 years ago when things were simple and I had nothing sharing a bed with a guy I once dated for a month until I eventually got a bed and couch and few other things thanks to his family. I miss that, and I miss that feeling of closeness with someone.

“Do you care if I don’t know what to say? When you sleep tonight, will you think of me? Will i shake this off, pretend it’s all okay? Those notes you wrote me, I’ve kept them all.”

This One Is A Lie

Now don’t get me wrong, I do have a few friends out there I can actually call real friends. Some for only a year, some for more than 10 years. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are and you know how much you do mean to me if we get in fights and hate each other but then are fine the next day and if we never fight at all, that’s even better. These people know who they are and if you don’t well then I’m sorry, maybe you’re not that good of a friend to me and we don’t talk that often or you don’t try like the others do. Those people that reach out to me daily along with those who have been in my life for over 5-10 years and don’t need to reach out daily… thank you. I clear my inbox of all texts out nightly before I go to bed. Those who want to talk to me, they will message me. This shows who’s really a friend. I’ve given up messaging people first because I’ll usually get ignored or given one word answers. I’m tired of it. Start a conversation with me. With that being said:

“Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up. The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you’ll finally get it right.”





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