It’s been over a month since I’ve written.
A series of events has happened that led me to be absent including moving to a different apartment in record time because of roommate issues. Should I feel sorry? I think not. I need to do what’s best for me, always and every single time.
I’ve been beating myself up alot recently over the smallest things ever and that’s not healthy. I want to share with you something I posted to Facebook not too long ago.
Sitting on my back porch, listening to music, watching the stars between the cloud cover; wishing someone was here with me that actually likes cuddling and star watching.
I know I keep saying its better to be single, but to be honest, I miss all that cute stuff. Someone who sends me good mornings every day before they even get out of bed and go to work, someone who will take me out for surprise ice cream treats, someone who doesn’t get tired of me and can text me all the time and not get annoyed by thinking I’m “needy.” Someone who takes me for me and not tell me to do certain things just to be able to talk to me. Someone who asks to hang out on a regular basis.
I’ve been a miserable schmuck lately and I hate it. Now living alone, which is great, it gets lonely still sometimes. I don’t want to get stuck in Wilkes Barre forever. I really want to leave next year, and hop on a train or bus to a new state and find happiness for myself. I’ll be 25 this year, and I don’t know what makes me happy.
Each day that passes, I get closer and closer to just packing up essentials and kitties, selling everything and finding a new state to set myself in, where no one knows my name.
Maybe this needs to happen, because I think I should know who I am by now, but I don’t.
I’m still sitting on that porch, and its now very late at night and I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. I know I need to pack up and leave. I can’t bring myself to do it though. I need companionship, I need love. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter.
I’m falling behind on everything in life. Photos, art, having fun, stargazing for no reason… All of that is more enjoyable with someone you know and love. And I want someone to give me a reason to stay here in PA. Someone to tell me that they need me around and want me around for some time still and that they’re not ready to say goodbye. I haven’t been taking the time to do the things I love to do. I’m always sitting around being lazy, and I hate it. I really do. I need to step up and be better. For myself and for whoever may come my way and actually be there for me.
It’s now 130 in the morning and I still can’t sleep for anything. Always I have a few people to talk to right now who are also night owls so that’s a plus I guess. Others are stupid and passed out cold or busy or something else. At least Romeow is here to keep me company. He’s the best kitty in the world. MooMoo is of course adorable too, but I wish she’d let me pick her up or something and hold her. She hates everyone that walks in the door. Not like it’s many people but still. I guess I should go to bed. Before I forget to save this and it gets deleted like the last time.