If I Had My Own World…

I’d build you an empire. From here to the far lands -To spread love like violence. Let me feel you, carry you higher. Watch our words spread hope like fire… Secret crowds rise up and gather – Hear your voices sing back louder. ❤

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. I’m calling myself half dead, because 50 seems like too many years to live I think. And if I’m not half dead, well then I guess people are going to have to deal with me just a bit longer then right? Tomorrow should be filled with fun and awesome and things to do because it’s my big 25. You only turn 25 once, and I think that’s a milestone in my opinion. Lately, I’ve been happy and doing alot of things that make me feel awesome, and with tomorrow being my birthday, I should still feel that way. … so why don’t I?

I paid my bills, I fed myself, I’ve fed my kitties and even cleaned the house majorly yesterday and did laundry all day because it had to be done. I’ve been listening to Angels and Airwaves all day (yesterday and today) and I almost forgot how much I love these guys and how much I can relate to alot of their lyrics. I don’t know why I’m not feeling happy these last couple days to be honest. Maybe it’s because alot of family couldn’t be at my birthday at mom’s and the fact that they won’t come see me in PA at all? Maybe it’s because I’m sleeping terrible at night again for no reason? Maybe it’s because I haven’t had that awesome connection with someone that I really want.

Maybe, it’s because I do everything for everyone and not many people can do a simple thing for me like even travel out to PA to visit me or even send a simple message of “hey how are you, how’s things going for you out there?” I’m tired of telling everyone when I’ll be back in NJ to go to mom’s house because no one even cares all too much about me being there anyway (friend wise) and the only people I really care to see are my grandparents right now. Everyone keeps telling to move back to NJ and live there. No. Why would I go back to NJ and have you all talk to me again since I’m there? I’m not out of sight out of mind here, I’m only a 2 hour drive away and you people can’t even make that small trip to see me here, why do I need to move back there? Because it’s a convenience for you? You’re not a friend, you just someone who doesn’t care and I’m not subjecting myself to fake friends anymore. I actually have people here in PA that care about me, or so I’d like to think that, and I’m not moving back to a place that could care less even when I come every damn week to visit.

On another note, I don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday tomorrow yet except getting my nails done with two girl friends in the morning. I hope I go tonight to get my mattress instead of cramming everything in in the morning. I don’t feel like getting up super duper early and running up to Sams Club at 9am to drag a mattress inside my apartment and then deciding what to do with the old one. That’s going to be interesting, unless I try and sell it tonight if I get the new one tonight. We’ll see what happens though. I’m hoping it’s tonight so I can enjoy a good night’s sleep for my birthday.

I think I should go see a movie tonight and take myself on a date because… everyone else is busy and I’d prefer to go alone anyway I think. Since I just found out I’m not getting my mattress tonight but rather tomorrow morning, I have some time to kill and I don’t feel like sitting home alone bored on the eve of my birthday. That’s just stupid. No one is ever around on Fridays and I’m always bored and have nothing to do, lol. And now that it’s my birthday, I don’t know what to do tonight, so I guess movie it is. I’ll treat myself to some fat food too and be happy and ignore people for a couple hours.

I’m off to shower and going to braid my hair so it can curl and look weird. It’s long enough and I don’t know how to use a curling iron, lol and I’m too lazy to YouTube anything right now. I don’t even think I know where my curling iron is at the moment… oops. I’m such a terrible girly girl. I should really take some lessons.

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