Hush now don’t cry… wipe away the teardrop from your eye. You’re lying safe in bed… It was all a bad dream spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain of someone close to you leaving the game of life. So here it is, another chance- wide awake you face the day. Your dream is over… Or has it just begun?
I’m listening to one of my favorite songs right now – Silent Lucidity by Queensryche. I don’t know why I love it so much but anytime I hear it it makes me think of some Opeth and I like to sway back and forth to the beat. It comforts me I think and that’s something I don’t have often. Today was interesting. I went to work and was bored most of the day and then went to the gym after with an old friend. It was actually lots of fun and a good time I needed out I think. I usually go to the gym alone.. but it was nice to have someone there to talk to for once. I’m not good with meeting people online or in person for that matter.. and well I feel better talking online for some reason at first. But I haven’t seen him in ages and it was a good time tonight.
On that note, I’m back on the gym kick. I figure if I have to pay for it for a year I might as well use it and try and lose some weight finally for once since I’ve been saying that I’m going to for weeks now. It’s just a matter of eating right and eating good.. that’s always my problem. I can go to the gym every day of the week if I wanted to. But when it comes to eating better I suck at it sadly. I need someone to kick my butt into gear to eat right for once. I’m so used to eating everything I wanted to and not gaining weight at all because of the Mono I had in my body and now my metabolism is catching up to me from the last 10 years and making me not lose any weight at all. I don’t like being the way I am when I gained like 30 pounds in a year and a half two years now. It sucks and everything I used to like and wear doesn’t fit me anymore and it’s real disheartening.
I’ve had more time lately to write, obviously, since I don’t do too much anymore. I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, I have more time for me and well.. I’m not sure if I like it or not to be honest. It makes me think and that’s the last thing I like to do is to think. Then I get all these crazy ideas and stuff. I’m trying to go out there and meet new people and go to the gym more.. and take myself on “me” dates and relax a lot more. I think I’m too .. used to being around people and never really focused on myself and what I want to do in life. Now I have the chance to do that for once for awhile and I’m going to start doing that. Whether that means finding a job I like and want to stick with or moving to find said job.. you never know what might happen now. I’m not attached to anything here really and I’m not going to let anyone stop me at this point.
I want to start living and traveling and relaxing and taking care of me. This time next year I could have the job I always wanted or be living in another state or even country… I’ve always wanted to do something crazy; I just need to figure out how to incorporate the cats into my life. Maybe it’s time I rented that RV and packed up what I needed sold the rest and went on my way. I think about that a lot obviously.. as it’s been in my most recent blog posts multiple times. I think I really do need to leave the valley and start doing what I really want to do. No that doesn’t mean I’m coming home family.. as much as you want me to. I need to do me, and that’s not at home unfortunately. (Sorry mom, but you should come with me anyway and do something spontaneous.) And how ironic … Iron Maiden Run To The Hills just came on my music.. so fitting I think.
I’m pretty sure my roommates can hear me singing because I’ve been blasting some 80’s hits now and old school music and singing along and I have headphones in.. oops. I have no shame anymore I don’t care I’ll sing all the 80’s tunes that my heart desires. I don’t get to do that enough really.. and I need to get it out of my system everyonce in awhile. HEAVEN ISNT TOO FAR AWAYYYY. CLOSER TO IT EVERY DAY. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT SAYYYY; WE’LL FIND OUR WAY. YEEAHHH. There that’s my little shit for the night right there. Let’s see if you know what song that is and who it’s by. 10 cookies to anyone who can name that song and if you don’t know it without looking up the lyrics.. I don’t know you anymore. Seriously. Know your anthems damnit. /rant on 80’s tunes.
I really didn’t have a purpose for this entry today – I just wanted something to do I think before going to bed. And I’ve been sitting here listening to 80’s jams now after Iron Maiden came on and I put on the 80’s Love Station on Apple Music. Well then, this brings back so many memories and I love it. I’m going to sit here and keep jamming out to 80’s love ballads and sing them till I sleep. If you cant put up with that then well, I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to. Btw, Nobody’s Fool is on right now. Name that band.
The Unsanity Blog 
Thank you! I know where you’re coming from, really. And well my loss is just one chip in alot that’s been going on lately with me. I miss alot of people and alot of things I used to do before I got wrapped up in .. Wasting my time. Sigh. Life gets you down. But there’s always tomorrow.. Keep writing and so will I. And hopefully the next one won’t be depressing from me.
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It’s weird, but I’ve been on a major writing kick lately, too. I haven’t gone through what you’ve gone through to get there, but maybe it’s another sense of loss I’m suffering from.
It’s funny, now that I look back on it I think that what often spurs me to write is loss of some sort. And that’s sad, because I don’t want to write about things that are always so maudlin. I want–I want to write about big ideas and exploring what it means to be a person. But when it comes down to it–I realize that deep down I’m a really sad person and that translates into interpreting the world through loss.
By the way, I really like that throwback photo of college Koral. I’d show you a throwback photo of college Koral, but I was never that cool. I was the geek doing stand-up in the basement comedy club or the dude wandering around with his mind on something other than where his feet were taking him.
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