Life

I Don’t Sugarcoat My Feelings

I cannot prove to you that real love exists if you don’t want to believe in it. I cannot tear down your wall if you keep on building one brick after the other. I cannot ask you to turn fucked-up to normal, lies to truth, broken promises to future plans, empty kisses to meaningful ones. I cannot ask you to change your old ways for us. I cannot ask you to change for me.
I am the kind of person who wouldn’t let the people that mean the most to me go to bed angry or upset with me because I give a shit. I apologize the instant I realize I was wrong. I will always choose a connection I have with someone over the connection I have with my ego.

I put myself out there and I do it fearlessly. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings. I mean what I say and my words have value. I go after what I want and I go for it a 100%. I am someone you count on in sickness and in health. I am someone who will fight for you and will always remind you of your worth. I am the kind of person who will love you endlessly. I am very simple in my chaos. All I am looking for is a partner, a best friend, a team player.

I’ve got a million and one reasons to walk away from everything and not look back. In the grand scheme of things, I need to take care of myself and myself alone (and of course my kitties as well,  they will never be left out.) I don’t have time to worry about you and what you’re feeling when you have disregarded mine for long enough. But that’s just how you are, and I’m not going to make you change your ways for me. You should want to. If you loved what we were and how we were, you should want to. Not only for you, but for us. There’s a fine line between loving someone and being in love with someone. And to be honest, I’m not sure if you ever did either. 

This is something I recently found from Thought Catalog, and it fits perfectly with what I’m going through, how you acted and what you did to me. And I’m not going to sugar coat anything anymore. I know my worth and I know what I deserve and for you to walk away repeatedly like it’s just nothing and keep hurting me is not making you look like the man you so say you are. 
I can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to explain my feelings to you when we’re together. I look at you and I have a million and one thoughts flowing through my head at once. Sometimes I’m yelling at you, other times I’m pleading, however neither of these are vocal, it’s all in my head.

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Dead silence; you can hear me breathing and I look pained, but no matter how many times I try I can’t form words. You ask me if I’m okay, or what’s bothering me and I take the easy way out, I tell you nothing. When in reality it is absolutely everything.

So I need you to read this, and picture me standing in front of you. Picture me looking extremely sad, like this is the hardest thing you’ve seen me have to do. There’s a good chance there would be tears streaming down my face, and I may have some struggles of catching my breath at times but I’d want you to be silent and let me get it all out.

Deep breath… Here it goes.

I am struggling with what has transpired recently between the two of us. I can’t fathom a world that doesn’t have you and I together, but I can’t imagine that I can continue on much longer how we are right now. I’m hurt and you don’t get to say that I’m not. I’m more than hurt; I’m disappointed and heartbroken. You know the shit that I’ve been through with other males in my life and yet you still managed to dig your own knife into my heart.

You’ve made me cry. Repeatedly, over and over again. I’m tired of crying. I don’t know how there are still tears left. Yet, I stick around. And why do I do this when you have clearly told me over and over that you don’t want to get back together, that you can’t give me what I want, that you don’t want the same things that I want?

Bullshit. Your words are all bullshit.

It isn’t fair that you can get the benefits of talking and seeing me without having to commit to me. To be able to say the things you say and think it’s okay to get away with it. You get to act like this single bachelor with no worries and no cares, yet keep stringing me along as well. How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are tearing apart probably the one girl who has actually truly had feelings for you. Does it bother you at all that you had finally found a girl who wasn’t like the rest of the ones who have been in your life?

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I am so sorry that there are girls out there who decided to take advantage of the wonderful man I fell in love with and caused you to put up this barrier around your heart. I’m sorry you don’t think you deserve the kind of love that I’m willing to give you. I can’t begin to understand how you feel and I won’t even pretend that I do. I have always said I’d stand beside you though no matter what and listen when you needed someone in your corner.

It isn’t fair, however, for you to compare me to anyone else. I’m not them and I will never be them. I am 100x a better woman than they will ever be. I didn’t come into this to screw with your emotions or break your heart. If anything I’m the girl that wanted to help heal those wounds.

I want to believe you’re better then the rest of them, but your actions and how you treat me make you just like them. I feel like I’m not good enough, like there is something severely wrong with me. You make me feel that way. You make me judge myself and bring myself down.

You make me feel used, like an object and that is not okay. I am a person, a real human with feelings, a lot of them damnit and you just brush them off. Come to think about it, you’re not the guy who I started to fall in love with. That guy wouldn’t treat me this way. He wouldn’t be okay with the fact that I’m upset, and that he caused a frown instead of a smile. He wouldn’t say things that are rude or disrespectful because he knew how to treat a lady. The guy I’m looking at right now is just a shell of the man I thought I knew. Personally I think it’s all an act, to shield yourself from feeling anything, from opening yourself up to the possibility of love and the small chance of getting hurt.

I want to scream at you, shake you, strangle you and kiss you all at the same time. I want to force you to look in me in the eyes while I’m crying my heart out to you and force you to tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me. I won’t though, because I shouldn’t have to beg you to want me.

You should want to be with me because I was, and am, good for you. But not just when it’s convenient for you. You should try and love me and you should want to because I’m pretty freaking amazing is what I would say; you won’t find another girl like me I can guarantee that.

As I’d walk away from you I’d secretly be hoping that you would reach for me, tell me to stay but I know you and I know that’s wishful thinking.

So if you read this I hope it hits you hard, in the gut, and with all the feels. With the reality that the girl who cared the most about you, would have done anything for you and valued your opinion is gone. Everything will have gone silent and you will be left alone, just like you continuously tell me you want to be. Though you won’t chase after me then, you’ll look for me eventually. Something will trigger a memory and some light bulbs will go off but I’m telling you, if I walk away this time it will be too late.

These are the words I wish I could say to you when we’re standing in the same room, when you ask me what’s wrong and all I can say is nothing.

Because when I say it’s nothing, I actually mean it’s everything. 


Source: Thought Catalog 01/30/2017

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